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Lettie's Journal

12th April, 2004. 10:50 am. Hope Everyone Had A Great Easter!

I had a great day. My Girls love Easter. Even through the pregnancy sickness spells, I still enjoyed it. Ate way too much. What a good day.

I love holidays.

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17th September, 2003. 10:49 am. TOTD

O. A. Battista:
The greatest weakness of most humans is their hesitancy to tell others how much they love them while they're still alive.

George Sand:
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

Vincent Van Gogh:
Your profession is not what brings home your paycheck. Your profession is what you were put on earth to do. With such passion and intensity that it becomes spiritual in calling.

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21st August, 2003. 1:29 pm. TOTD (GREAT ONE)

"It is easy enough to be pleasant when life flows by like a song. But the man worthwhile is one who will smile when everything goes dead wrong." Ella Wheeler Wilcox 1850-1919, Poet

NOW THERE'S A THOUGHT!

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7th August, 2003. 7:54 pm. What a mess....

Well, here I am minutes after falling completely apart and now feeling like a total idiot. I said in my last entry that I could not drop this on Chan, not tonight. So instead I had called Barb. Well, she wasn't home and I left a message, not a bad message (I didn't think) just a well I was gonna talk to you but I'll just catch you tommorrow kind of thing. She called me back, and all she said was what is wrong? and I burst in to tears. Sobbing hysterically, you couldn't even understand what I was saying, I don't evn know what I was saying. It was terrible. I told her all about me being afraid of not seeing the girls grow up and like a good friend she told me I couldn't feel that way. I couldn't look at the bad possiblities. That I shouldn't entertain it in my head. She may be right but you know what I realized as I was having my total collapse? That that is about the first time I have cried hysterically over the whole issue at all.

All this time I have been good and strong and let only a few tears fall, but this time I couldn't. It had nothing to do with her, it would have happened had Joe Bob walked in off the street and said the same thing. It was the intensity, and the strain, and the anger, and the heartache, and the whole injustice coming out. I guess I feel better, more empty than anything. Does that mean I'm over it? Will that not happen again? How exactly does this work?

All I know is I have to get a handle on this, I really hope they call next week and go ahead and schedule this and get it over with and I can move on. I want to be such a better person. I was crying over what I was afraid would not be...but also over what has been and the person I am. I want to change myself to be better, I want to have that opportunity, and I wish that I could look back in hindsite and like who I have become. Do I? Sometimes, when I look at my girls, I think gosh you did good. Sometimes when I look at my job and position, and compare it to my parents for example, yeah. But The rest of the time, I see the past and the people I could have helped the right things that should have been done instead of the wrong and I wish, I could make it all okay. I'm sure everyone has this, but it sure is an overpowering feeling. I feel about the size of an ant. Tiny, cold, unimportant, unneeded, and alone. So utterly alone. I want my girls to be the best they can be and get the best out of life. I want them to know they are loved unconditionally.

Well, I think I am totally drained. I want to see Chan, but she is working on Lifestyles. I'd better not bother her. I hope she knows how much she and her friendship and her total understanding mean to me. I hope every important person in my life knows that. I'm sure they don't but, but I can dream.

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7th August, 2003. 6:53 pm. My little girls continues to grow....

Well, today was Jessica's first day of school. Even though she did not have to stay all day, it was in actuallity her first real day of school. *Cries* She did great. I am at this moment so very proud of her. She handled herself wonderfully, swallowed her fears, showed off her smartness (did near perfect on her little assessment test, even told the teacher stuff she didn't even ask), and was a perfect little girl. Gosh it wasn't until today that I realized that one day she won't be a little girl, she'll be big. Tuesday will be a huge challenge (for me more than her I think). I'll have to leave her for the whole day, at the door. I can't go in no matter how badly I'll want to because if I do then she'll have a glimmer of hope that I'm staying and I can't. I think she will do much better if I don't. She'll be fine. I see so much of me and Michael in her. She has a confidence about her that I'm not even sure I have, I don't know where that came from. I could learn alot from her. I have been worried lately, that she doesn't mind me, and doesn't listen to me, and acts up. Maybe it is the starting to school thing, I don't know, but whatever it is, I know we can work through it. I can do this, I can let her go, which is in a sense what I am doing. Letting her go, to become her own person, I guess it is time, but gosh, she's so little, and the world is a cruel place, and other kids can be mean. If it was just her and the teacher, she'd be better. She doesn't have much use for other kids, especially the ones that act up, but she needs the interaction. Chan meet us at the school as we were leaving to take a break. There she was like a saint. Jess was so happy, I really think it helped her to ease into it. She knows she'll always have her, and can count on her. That means so much to us both.

And then there is Emily. She is growing so fast. 8 months old already. She's trying to pull up on things. Won't crawl. I think she's going to skip crawling and go straight to walking. Why waste her time, she seems to think? She is very much like me. Very demanding, very sensitive, very focused on things much of the time. Then she is so sweet, has the sweetest smile. She blows kisses now by poping her lips together and smacking. It is so cute and she will give you a hug and bury her head in your hair. *Sighs* Too Too Cute. She says bye bye. Calls Lisa Eassa, Marie-Nana, Mother-GiGa. Oh and she hates the word "No" (hey me too!) When you tell her you'd better be holding her because her head will flail back and she'll let out a yell. Then bounce up and expect you not to tell her again. It's very comical.

I don't mean to go on and on about them, I was just thinking. They are my pride and joy, and if this cancer beats me I am going to miss so much. I want to see Jess graduate Kindergarten, see Em walk, be with them for the things that will snowball after these two accomplishments. God please let me. It breaks my heart to think of it any other way, but I can't seem to stop. Especially today. I've hidden it most of the day, but I'm tired now, and I'm hoping this will get it off of my chest. I mentioned it to Michael but he just said, well I hope you don't miss it either, but we don't know. Like that didn't make it worse. Chan is out with Nic and it isn't fair to burden her with this today of all days. Nic is leaving tommorrow and they need this time for them. I even tried to call Barb, she wasn't home. So here I am. babbling on, hoping it will help. Maybe it will in a little while.

Better get back to work. Till Later - Bye - Char.

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3rd July, 2003. 3:02 pm.

I talked with Gale a little while ago. She is doing okay, and Uncle Jimmy seems to be improving. She really wants me to come and see him. She says it will be very good for him. I want to but I don't want to go alone and I don't want Michael to go either. I want someone to go. A freind that I don't have to be strong with, one that I can act out how I am feeling. I know it will be emotional and Michael expects me to be so strong all the time, it's going to be hard enough without doing that around him. Oh well I don't even know if I'll get to go. I want to go and stay over that way I can see him both days because I won't get another chance to go probably for a long time. Which Atlanta is not far, but I work so much I can't just go there anytime. I really already have plans for this weekend, and was looking forwad to them and my weekend off, not really intending on traveling. I wish Chan could go with me. What to do, What to do. Well if I decide I'll let someone know. I should just take off by myself I guess, it's not like I'm not old enough for God's sake I'm nearly thirty. I've just never driven in Atlanta and it kind of scares me. Maybe mother would want to go? but do I want her to go? Probably not. My dad's got to work, Chan's parents won't let her stay, I couldn't stand my brother that long and Barb's out of town. It looks like it's just me.

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2nd July, 2003. 9:18 am. Tears don't even help at this point.

Have you ever felt like you have done everything you can possibly do to please someone and you have failed? My problem is I seem to do that with everyone I have ever had a relationship with. What is the deal? I honestly am at a stand still and don't know what to do. I feel like nobody understands me, not my best friend, not my husband, not my mother, noone. I give and give and give and all people do is ask for more. I am only one person and I try, dammit I try but alas I should be used to it. I have never been able to satify anyone and will have to come to realize I will never be able to. I hate to be rejected. I hate to be told what to do. And I hate to be told something is for my own good. I don't want out of anything all I want is to be in. Included for just me and loved for me and treated with respect. Respect that I don't get at home or at work. Do I deserve respect? I think so I thing everyone deserves at least a little respect. I wonder how I can have all these people say they love me and feel completely alone? *Sigh*

Robert Frost
"Love is an irresistable desire to be irresistably desired."

Jacques Maritain
"We don't love qualites; we love a person; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as their qualities."

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27th June, 2003. 2:19 pm. TOTD's

"There is enough warmth in friend's hug to warm up the coldest day."

Douglas Adams
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

Aesop
"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."

Marian Anderson
"As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might."

Ramona L. Anderson
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to hill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."

Saint Augustine
Moral character is assessed not by what a man knows, but by what he loves.

Anoine de Saint-Exupery
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking together in the same direction.

Anoine de Saint-Exupery
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

George Sand
There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.

Carl Sandburg
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.

Albert Schweitzer
In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit

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27th June, 2003. 1:17 pm. What Finding Nemo Character am I?

You are GILL!
What Finding Nemo Character are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

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4th June, 2003. 6:07 pm. TOTD's - I can never choose just one.

"Creativity is like driving a car at night.
You never see further than your headlights,
but you can make the whole trip that way."

E.L. Doctorow
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Our life is what our thoughts make it.
- Marcus Aurelius

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