Lettie (lettie) wrote,

What a mess....

Well, here I am minutes after falling completely apart and now feeling like a total idiot. I said in my last entry that I could not drop this on Chan, not tonight. So instead I had called Barb. Well, she wasn't home and I left a message, not a bad message (I didn't think) just a well I was gonna talk to you but I'll just catch you tommorrow kind of thing. She called me back, and all she said was what is wrong? and I burst in to tears. Sobbing hysterically, you couldn't even understand what I was saying, I don't evn know what I was saying. It was terrible. I told her all about me being afraid of not seeing the girls grow up and like a good friend she told me I couldn't feel that way. I couldn't look at the bad possiblities. That I shouldn't entertain it in my head. She may be right but you know what I realized as I was having my total collapse? That that is about the first time I have cried hysterically over the whole issue at all.

All this time I have been good and strong and let only a few tears fall, but this time I couldn't. It had nothing to do with her, it would have happened had Joe Bob walked in off the street and said the same thing. It was the intensity, and the strain, and the anger, and the heartache, and the whole injustice coming out. I guess I feel better, more empty than anything. Does that mean I'm over it? Will that not happen again? How exactly does this work?

All I know is I have to get a handle on this, I really hope they call next week and go ahead and schedule this and get it over with and I can move on. I want to be such a better person. I was crying over what I was afraid would not be...but also over what has been and the person I am. I want to change myself to be better, I want to have that opportunity, and I wish that I could look back in hindsite and like who I have become. Do I? Sometimes, when I look at my girls, I think gosh you did good. Sometimes when I look at my job and position, and compare it to my parents for example, yeah. But The rest of the time, I see the past and the people I could have helped the right things that should have been done instead of the wrong and I wish, I could make it all okay. I'm sure everyone has this, but it sure is an overpowering feeling. I feel about the size of an ant. Tiny, cold, unimportant, unneeded, and alone. So utterly alone. I want my girls to be the best they can be and get the best out of life. I want them to know they are loved unconditionally.

Well, I think I am totally drained. I want to see Chan, but she is working on Lifestyles. I'd better not bother her. I hope she knows how much she and her friendship and her total understanding mean to me. I hope every important person in my life knows that. I'm sure they don't but, but I can dream.
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